Now that we've explored the Wheels of Fear and Freedom, how do we use them? Let's look at an example, and then learn the tricks that work. Every. Time.
My son didn't want to wake up this morning. He knew that he had schoolwork to do, and that we planned to visit family and friends an hour's drive away. Yesterday, he was excited by the opportunity to visit. Yet today, he ignored my repeated requests to get up.
I realized fear was trying to take control when I heard myself begin to yell at him. Then I began to berate myself.....I *should* have realized there was a chance he would be uncooperative! He *never* wants to get up in the morning, no matter what the consequence or reward! My trigger taunted me, telling me I was stupid and unlovable....after all, if he loved me, he'd not want me to *have to* yell at him, right?
Fortunately, I quickly realized that this was fear talking. Yelling was a fear response. So was beating myself up. My self-talk's use of "should" and "have to" were signs of expectation. Unlovable is my core negative feeling. The next step would be self-destructive behaviors. Was being in fear what I wanted? No. I knew I could move off my wheel of fear, now that I was aware that it had taken hold.
I took a deep breath (pro-active behavior). I acknowledged myself for my awareness. I reminded myself of my commitments in this situation. To oversee my son's education in a way that was empowering to both of us. To connect with family. I asked myself, if I were living on my wheel of freedom in this moment, what would my essential nature do? I calmed down, and calmly told my son that our planned day trip was, as we'd discussed previously, contingent upon his actions. If he didn't choose to get up, I'd leave him with his older sister, and go on my own. I was acting on my commitments, yet had released my attachment to the outcome. I knew my behaviors would lead me to my wholeness of integrity. Win - win.
Here's how I did it:
1. Awareness
Sometimes, you recognize that you are feeling your core negative feeling or your trigger. Yet your trigger is sneaky, and may stay hidden. Instead, awareness often starts with recognition that you are using fear responses. To begin, start thinking of the fear responses you use when you are stressed, overwhelmed or upset. Do you yell? Use sarcasm? Overeat? Drink too much? Work too hard?People please? The list goes on and on. Further suggestions can be found in Rhonda Britten's book, Fearless Living. Come up with your own list.
2. Decision
Do you want to keep repeating those same responses, keep feeling your core negative feeling, and move into the numbness of self-destructive behaviors? No? Great! You're ready to move on to....
3. Commitment
What are you committed to in the situation? In general? What are you willing to practice to be there? Begin by looking to....
4. Proactive behaviors
Compile a list of as many behaviors you can think of that will shift your focus from fear to freedom. Simply remembering to breathe can do wonders. Calling a supportive friend. Reapplying your lipstick. Carrying a touchstone in your pocket. Popping into the restroom for a moment to regroup. One person I know glances upward. Another carries a playbill from a favorite live performance. Yet another has made a bracelet with words of inspiration on it. I suggest writing your top 5 proactive behaviors on a piece of paper or card. Tuck it into your wallet. Pull it out when fear takes hold.
5. Tap into your essential nature
Ask yourself, "what would my essential nature do this in this situation?" Then do it. Don't allow fear to allow you to endlessly analyze. To paralyze yourself with what-ifs. Instead, allow your intuition to guide you. Trust yourself. Trust the universe.
6. Acknowledge yourself and be grateful
Congratulations! You've moved toward freedom. Thank the universe for the role it played. You don't have to do it perfectly. In fact, you won't. Yet each awareness, each insight, each new thought are a step toward your wholeness. Did you use a proactive behavior, yet slip back into fear? Congratulate yourself for that moment of clarity! It gets easier and easier to become aware. Easier and easier to lean on proactive behaviors. Easier and easier to take that next step. You *are* doing this. Moving forward. Shifting. I promise.
What happened next this morning, you ask? Within a few minutes, my son decided to get up and begin his schoolwork. He added me whether I'd be willing to wait until noon to leave, so that he might come with me. I agreed. He was empowered through making his own decision. I was empowered by using choices instead of have-to's or shoulds. I no longer felt like yelling. Instead, I was grateful for the newly-relaxed atmosphere.
As I write this, it's 11:00 am, and my son is halfway though his assignment. I'm reasonably confident he'll finish in time. I may choose to renegotiate our agreement if he's not quite there by noon....or I may choose to stand firm and go without him. In either case, I'm being led by freedom. Cool, huh?
Question: what is one question you have about moving from fear to freedom? I'm happy to support you in this process :)
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