Clients often come to me either seething with anger or writhing with frustration. "Why doesn't my partner/child/coworker/boss/friend/neighbor just do what I want? Don't they realize how much easier things would be for both of us? Why do I have to fight so hard to get my needs met? What happened to helping others, or even plain common courtesy? I feel like I'm invisible. No one makes an effort to understand me!"
One of my clients, Mary, expressed this very frustration about her partner. Bob, and her children, ages 9 and 12. Mary said she had asked them over and over to pick up after themselves, and yet, to her eyes, their house was always a mess. A pile of coats by the back door. (Right next to the closet). A mess of papers on the dining room table. Apple cores in the living room. Soggy towels on the bathroom floor. And the kids' rooms? Mary shuddered. In her opinion, they were beyond description.
Of course, I had some questions for Mary. How did she approach this challenge? Well, she informed me that she used to point out the items that were out of place. Softly, at first, and then louder. Mary admitted to being a yeller. Until she realized that no one was paying any attention to her, no matter how loudly she spoke. Then she gave up. For a while, she tried picking up the offending items, often while muttering under her breath. She made sure her family saw her efforts. She was wishing, waiting, and hoping they'd take her hint. When that didn't work, she gave up. Now she was feeling like the clutter was so out of control: there was no way out. What could she do?
Mary and I reviewed her Wheels of Fear and Freedom. She quickly identified that yelling was one of her fear responses, as was muttering under her breath. Wishing, waiting, and hoping? Also fear responses of Mary's. And giving up? Mary was pretty sure that was a self-destructive behavior: something she did to numb her pain when all else failed. And a behavior that kept Mary on her Wheel of Fear.
How then, could Mary begin using her Wheel of Freedom to solve her challenge? We discussed using the following techniques:
Have a fearless conversation
When I asked Mary what she would do if she were acting from freedom instead of fear, she responded, "Speak up! Tell my family what I need from them, without fear that they will ridicule or ignore me." To that end, Mary decided to let her family know that she'd like to speak to them, uninterrupted. She asked for their agreement to a mutually convenient time. She prepared what she wanted to say. And she practiced.
Clarify, clarify, clarify
Was it possible that her family's lack of understanding was because their interpretation of tidy was different from Mary's? Perhaps what was clear to her was not so clear to them. I told Mary that in Mexico, the word 'mañana' translates literally to 'tomorrow'. However, it's commonly used to express 'at some undetermined time in the future' or, simply, 'not today.' This causes a lot of confusion and frustration to those who don't understand the intent! Mary agreed that she'd be sure to look out for the possibility of silent contracts....where her expectations were based on what she didn't say.
Set boundaries from freedom, not fear
Initially, Mary defined her boundaries rigidly. Having a tidy house was a boundary. Not picking up was a boundary. Leaving papers on the table, clothes on the floor, food waste in the living room, damp towels piled in the bathroom? All boundaries not to be crossed. However, when I asked Mary to reexamine her boundaries, based on her priorities and needs, she realized that her real boundary in this situation was not to be spoken to with harsh words, She defined what harsh words meant to her, was willing to discuss this with her family in advance, and willing to stand up for herself if and when the boundary was crossed.
Use proactive behaviors when fear begins to creep in
Since we're always looking for progress, not perfection, Mary realized that there would be times when her wheel of fear would start to spin. She'd most likely notice herself slipping into fear responses, or perhaps even self destructive behaviors. Mary knew that she had proactive behaviors to choose from. When she caught herself in fear, she'd choose one of these to remind her of her commitment to acting in freedom. Whew! Crisis averted.
I'm happy to say that Mary reported steady progress. "I'm happy to say that things are starting to change! The kids and I have come to an agreement that they may keep their rooms as they choose, as long as they close the door when I'm home and when we have visitors. I feel like Bob listens better to me now. If he doesn't understand what I'm requesting, he asks me to clarify. And if he doesn't agree, he's started to respond rather than ignore. While not perfect, things are definitely better than before. I feel like we're on the right track."
Yay, Mary, for beginning to feel understood. And for taking action to ensure that understanding occurs.
Question: What is one situation in which you'd like someone to understand you better? If you're willing, use the sidebar to book a complimentary session with me. I can help!
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