See you next week...

Hello Fearless Friends,

I am away at the annual Fearless Living Institute Retreat, honing my skills by learning Master Coaching techniques.  In order to serve you better, I'm going to skip today's blog post to concentrate on integrating what I've learned.  See you next week!

~ Fearless Coach Marla

5 Steps to Rediscovering Your Authentic Self: How to Be You When You Have Lost Who You Are

"Be yourself!" so many books, articles and websites command. And what if you've been posturing so long you no longer know who you are?  How can you be you, when you've lost your sense of yourself?

I was once asked to write a list of 100 things I like to do. I was floored. I didn't know what I liked to do.  I was so wrapped up in doing for others that their likes had become my likes.  Their needs had become my needs.  And their requested actions had become my focus. My husband liked watching certain programs on tv, so we watched.  Did I like those programs?  Not really.  Did I even like watching tv?  Not so much.  My kids liked camping.  So we camped.  I prepped, packed, drove, set up, cooked, cleaned, took down, and drove home.  Did I want to add camping to my list of likes?  No way.  Mosquitos love me, so anything outdoorsy was off my list. 

Realizing that I had become so entrenched in fulfilling others' needs and wants was a eye-opener for me.  How, then, might I rediscover who I was and what I enjoyed?  How might I learn more about me?  How might I cut down on the people-pleasing, and focus instead on being authentic?

Here are 5 steps to rediscovering your authentic self:

1. Become aware of your Essential Nature, which Rhonda Btitten describes as "the most denied aspect of yourself."  My essential nature is trusting.  To tap into my authentic self, I needed to learn to trust my intuition. (Yours may be different: contact me find out more.)

2.  Allow your Essential Nature to guide you by asking....what actions can I take that would be in line with my Essential Nature?  For example, let's say that your Essential Nature is courage.  What do you do now that is courageous?  What would you like to do in the future?  What might you do differently?

3. Determine what do you like to do that is for you and no one else.  Do you like to read? Hike? Facebook? Play golf? Cook? Do you like Sports? Spas? Shopping? Libraries? Coffee shops?  If you're stumped, be willing to stretch, risk & die your way to revisiting previous experiences and/or examining new ones.  (See my post on Stretch, Risk and Die here).

4.  Set an intention around discovering who you are.  What is it you are willing to do to help with your discovery?  When?  Which action, guided by your essential nature, are you willing to take first? Next? And after that?  One action will steer you in the right direction.  Three actions will give you momentum.  And more will open the path to self-discovery and the life you desire. 

5.  Use acknowledgements and gratitudes each day.  Acknowledge yourself for each new thought, insight and action.  Have you discovered you don't like to cook?  Acknowledge yourself for your awareness, and be grateful for prepackaged meals and for restaurants.  Have you discovered you prefer Facebook to attending a party?  After acknowledging yourself for your awareness, be grateful for wifi. There is always, always, always something to acknowledge yourself for and to be grateful for.  Every single day.

My list of 100 things I like to do took a long time, and a lot of trial and error, at first. As I worked through the steps above, it became easier. I learned I prefer to connect with friends by instant message versus talking to friends on the phone.  I learned that I love to read, and despise tv.  As I set intentions based on risk, I began to build momentum.  As I focused on acknowledgements and gratitudes, I was propelled toward more in more intentions which, in turn, taught me more and more about who I am.  My list of things I like to do grew exponentially.  This list taught me who I am.  

Question:  What are 3 actions you can take toward learning to be yourself?

A Practical Example of Fearlessness

My 12 year old son had surgery this week.  In a foreign country, where the hospital staff did not speak English.  Where hospital procedures are different from what we Canadians consider the norm.  And he was fearless. Here's what he did, and what we can learn from his approach:

Do you really want to change? Find out here.

Are you seeking change?  From time to time, we all wish for things to be different.  A mate, a different mate, or no mate at all.  A job, a career change, or retirement.  Feeling loved, wanted, needed.  Connection.  Someone who will listen to us. Relaxation time.  Fun. A sense of order. 

Or perhaps, we are seeking something elusive.  We don't know what we want.  We simply want a change. A difference. We're feeling stuck.  How do we decide what's best for us?  How do we determine the particular change that will suit us best?  Or whether we truly want change at all?  

In 2007, my house burned down.  To the ground.  In the words of the insurance adjuster, "this is what we call a total loss."  Change was forced upon me.  I had decisions to make.  Rebuild on my 100-acre farm?  Buy a house in town and sharecrop the land?  Sell the acreage and move somewhere else entirely?  

At the time, I was responsible for the needs of 9 children, between the ages of 3 and 27, and a husband with a catastrophic brain injury.  There were decisions to be made.  Quickly.  In making those decisions, I allowed fear to run the show.  I hadn't yet heard of Fearless Living.  My decisions were made based on what I thought everyone else wanted.  What I thought they needed.  I never stopped to consider my own needs.  

A few years later, I was burned out.  Overwhelmed.  Dissatisfied.  Unhappy.  Confused. Questioning the choices I had made, and beating myself up.

Enter Rhonda Britten and Fearless Living.  I learned about the role fear was playing in my life.  I learned how to make friends with fear.  I learned about my essential nature, and how to access it to live in freedom.  And I began to make changes.  

Today, I filter my desire for change through a filter of freedom.  What do I need from a situation?  How do I feel about the way things are now?

You, too, can learn to use feelings and needs to determine your next best step when contemplating change. Here's how:

1.  Ask yourself, "what am I feeling about the current situation?"

Make a list of the things you'd like to change. When you think about the current status of those things, what comes up for you?  Rate the following feelings on a scale of 1 (I don't feel this) -10 (gut-wrenching):

If you're not sure what you want to change, ask yourself what areas of your life evoke these emotions, using the same scale.  Make a list.

Angry

Distressed

Helpless

Confused

Guilty

Puzzled

Frustrated

Overwhelmed

Embarrassed

Righteous

Discouraged

Sad

Impatient

____________(add your own feeling here)

2.  Now imagine you can wave a magic wand, and change the areas/thing(s) you are contemplating.  How will you feel, (or how would you like to feel), when the change is complete?  Use the same 1-10 scale here:

Amazed

Relieved

Confident 

Joyous

Stimulated

Hopeful

Fulfilled

Inspired

Proud

Glad

Thankful

____________(add your own feeling here)

3.  Which of your proposed changes evoke the strongest feelings?  Remember, we are talking here about how you feel, not how your perceive others will react.

4.  Determine your ONE THING.  What is the one thing that evokes the strongest reaction?  Perhaps you'd like to have less of a feeling from list #1.  Or more of a feeling from list #2.  Or maybe both.  What will serve you best?  That is what you want to change.  Have more than one, and can't decide?  Guess!  Pick one to start.  You can always change your mind later.

Next week, we'll talk about specifics.  Now that you've chosen your one thing, what do you do next?  Be sure to sign up for blog updates so you don't miss what comes next. 

Question: What is your one thing? 

Are you too overwhelmed or confused to decide? If you can't decide, contact me for a consultation using the contact form in the sidebar. I can guide you through the process.  You may be surprised by the result!