Do you find yourself asking the question 'why?' when things don't turn out the way you think they should? Perhaps you question why someone has made a certain decision. Or why they've taken a particular action. Why they ignored your input. Why they didn't take certain facts into consideration. Or perhaps you question yourself. Why did you do a certain thing? Why didn't you listen to your intuition? Why didn't you know better? All common questions. Yet, I'd like to challenge you with the thought that the 'why' not only doesn't matter, it leads you onto the wheel of fear...
A few days ago, I was animatedly telling my husband some news, when he opened the freezer and something fell out. He immediately expressed his displeasure. Loudly. My first reaction was, "Why is he not listening to me? Why is his annoyance with the way the freezer is arranged more important than what I am trying to tell him?" And then, Fearless Living kicked in. I realized my expectation was that he would hear me out no matter what else happened. I saw him as the innocent, nonwilling participant of a random event. I walked away, with the intention of continuing our conversation later. Argument averted. No why necessary.
When you question someone's why, you are refusing to see them as innocent. Fear is telling you that their decision/action/exclusion/rationale was a deliberate act. However, how many people do you know that act in haste? And, if a decision is made in haste, was there time to carefully weigh its potential effects? Of course not. (Even though the insidious voice of Fear tries to convince you otherwise.).
Thus, fixating on the 'why' when referring to others only serves to foster resentment. It may give you a feeling of superiority to think that you would have acted differently and, in your opinion, more appropriately, but to what end? It won't change the outcome.
Freedom, on the other hand, will remind you that it is the act itself, and not the thought process (or lack thereof) that is important. Perhaps the decision-maker was acting in their own best interests. (Shouldn't we all?). Instead of analyzing the reason, freedom looks at the result. Were your boundaries crossed? Have a fearless conversation. Were you disillusioned or disappointed? Examine your expectations in the situation. Was an agreement broken? Use the four A's to re-evaluate and move on.
And how about when you question the why of your own decisions and actions? Will that empower you? I think not! Instead, it's a surefire way to begin beating yourself up. Fear asks, "Why didn't I know better? Why didn't I do x or y instead? Why can't I do anything right? Why don't I ever learn?" Self-defeating questions. Disempowering. Leading into fear responses and, eventually, self-destructive behaviors.
Freedom chooses to ignore the why in favor of questions like, "What was I thinking as I made that decision? What did I learn from this? What will I choose to do differently when a similar situation arises again? What will I do the same? What intention am I willing to set?" Empowering? You bet! You are in control. All without an examination of the why.
Asking why ties you to the past and keeps you stuck in fear. You can't change the why. Instead, let go of the why and choose freedom instead.
Question: What is one why you are wiling to let go of?
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