Self-blame. Kicking yourself in the pants. Chastising yourself. Self-correction. Beating yourself up. No matter what you call it, we all do it. We'd love to stop, yet we can't seem to do so. And beating outlives up is one of the most negative things we can do. It demotivates us. It disempowers us. The good news is: we can learn how to stop beating ourselves up. Read on to find out how.
Years ago, someone whose opinion meant a lot to me said I was lazy. Lazy; really? I had never thought of myself that way. He went on to explain, authoritively, that there were two types of lazy: those who didn't do much of anything, and those who tried to do it all at once. Oh my. I immediately thought of all the times I carried more grocery bags than I could comfortably handle so as to make fewer trips to the car and back. And of all the multitasking I had done. The times I combined errands to save trips and effort. The papers I had written where I chose a common topic to save research time. The times I hadn't delegated, thinking it was faster to do it myself.
I felt a trickle of something creep up my spine. Lazy? Me? Perhaps I was. And for years after, I called myself lazy. Yes, years. Every time I loaded myself up with extra grocery bags. Every time I multitasked. Every time I wrote a paper. Every time I considered delegating. Or hiring an assistant. And each time I called myself lazy, I felt a little smaller. A little less competent. Disempowered.
Today, I see those same tendencies in an empowering light. I'm not lazy, I'm efficient! I learned how to reduce my negative self talk. I've eliminated about 90% of the beating myself up that I was doing. You can too. Here's how:
1. Become Aware of Others
Listen to how others beat themselves up. What do they say about themselves? How does it make you feel? Uncomfortable? Do you say the same things about yourself? How might your beating yourself up make others feel?
2. Become Aware of Yourself
Notice how you talk about yourself to others. And to yourself. Initially, you may not be aware until after the fact. You may replay a situation in your mind, and realize you were disempowering yourself. Or you may have a niggling feeling that you presented yourself in a not-so-positive light. If so, congratulations! Awareness is the key to change.
3. Look for patterns
Beating ourselves up can be traced back to the (often silent) feeling that we are not good enough. In what areas of your life, or with whom, does this surface for you? Expanding your awareness in this way often means you begin to notice that you are beating yourself up when it is happening, rather than after the fact. Great! You are making progress. Catching yourself more quickly. Able to discern causal factors.
4. Commit to using positive language
The minute you realize you are beating yourself up, stop. Reframe your words or thoughts in a positive light. In her book, Fearless Living, Rhonda Britten says, "The criteria for empowering self talk becomes, 'Is what I am saying loving, compassionate, kind, empowering or insightful?'" For example, instead of saying, "I must be stupid, trying to multitask! Why can't I do several things at once, like Bill does?", say, "I'm efficient. By giving my attention to one task at a time, I see it to its completion before moving on."
5. Don't Beat Yourself Up for Beating Yourself Up
In the example above, is your next tendency to say, "I should have thought of this before I started talking! Why did I say that negative thing?!" If so, give yourself a break! Learning to reframe is an ongoing process. Congratulate yourself for your movement forward, and don't expect yourself to be perfect. Be gentle with yourself.
6. Acknowledge Yourself for your Progress
Did you notice the way others beat themselves up? Great! Acknowledge yourself for that awareness. Have you discovered the ways in which you beat yourself up? Wonderful! Acknowledge yourself for that insight. Have you become aware of any patterns? Chosen empowering words? Reduced beating yourself by even .0001%? Fantastic! Acknowledge yourself for each awareness. Each insight. Each action. The tiniest improvement. Keep those acknowledgements coming. You can do this!
Learning how not to beat yourself up is a process. Awareness will come gradually. So will changes. Being compassionate with yourself, and not expecting perfection from yourself, will be key. You'll begin to notice changes in your self-talk. As your negative self-talk decreases, you'll notice an increased willingness to take risks. Increased confidence. And a lessening of not-feeling-good-enough. How about starting today?
Question: As you begin your journey to stop beating yourself up, what is your first awareness, and how does it make you feel?
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