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When you want to do something, and you can't seem to do it, it's not your fault. It's fear. Fear loves you, and it has one, and only one job. To keep you safe. It does everything it can to keep you the same. To keep you in your comfort zone. Our nature of human beings is to want to expand and to grow. This we all want.....something. Now that you've defined your one thing, let's see what we can do to get us there.
Once upon a time there was a lady named Sue. Sue decided that her one thing to change was her lack of connection. She wanted to make more friends. Sue felt isolated. She was a single parent. A homeschooler. She wanted to connect, yet didn't know how.
I have a tool for Sue, and for you, and for me. It's called stretch, risk, and die. It can be used with any goal. Let's see how it works.
Step One: Defining Your Comfort Zone
In the diagram above, the innermost circle represents our comfort zone. Contained within that comfort zone are all the elements of our current life. This doesn't necessarily mean it's all that comfortable. Our comfort zone is what we know. It's what our life looks like right now. Our home. Our family. Our income. Our relationships. Our health.
Make your own diagram. It doesn't have to be perfect. The circles don't need to be evening spaced. Or perfectly round. Now fill in your comfort zone with the things you are currently doing in respect to your goal. You know what they are.
For Sue, her comfort zone was the townhouse where she lived. Her online activities. Her parenting techniques. Her monthly income. Her current friends. Not dating. Not exercising.
Step Two: The Stretch Zone
The next circle contains our stretch zone. The things we know we can do. We just haven't done them yet. The stretch zone is where we beat ourselves up the most. It's where we define our self-esteem. It's where we determine our motivation.
What are the things you know you could do, you just haven't done? Write them in your stretch zone.
With respect to Sue's goal of connection, her stretch zone included the following: attending a homeschool event, posting to the online homeschooling group she belongs to, taking cookies to her new neighbor, and saying hello to her letter carrier.
Step Three: What's in Your Risk Zone?
The final circle encompasses your risk zone. The things you don't know if you can do. You're not sure. In the risk zone, you don't know if you'll succeed. You don't know if you'll like it. You may want to do it. Or you may not be sure.
What's in your risk zone? Write them in.
Sue's risk zone included joining the local singles club. Talking to strangers. Hosting a book club. Starting a playgroup.
Step Four: The Die Zone
What about the space outside all the circles? That's The die zone. It's called the die zone because you think you're going to die if you do it. You say, "I could NEVER do that!"
Sue said she could never subscribe to an online dating service. And no way could she talk to that woman she often sees sitting alone in the coffee shop.
Write your dies on your diagram.
Important Note:
The same things may be a stretch to some people, and a risk or a die to others. This is where you get to choose.
Step 5: Choose One Stretch to take this week
Stretches are things you know you can do. Don't let fear convince you otherwise. Then acknowledge yourself for what you achieved. Don't let fear beat you up if you didn't do it perfectly. Or completely. Acknowledge any movement you have made toward your stretch. Any thought. The tiniest action. Everything counts.
Sue chose to work toward attending a homeschool event. She didn't attend anything. She DID consider making a list of events that sparked her interest. Great! Sue congratulated herself for taking the first step. It felt good. She could do this!
Step 6: Repeat
Rhonda Britten, creator of the Stretch, Risk & Die tool, says, "Slow is the new fast." Any movement forward will lead you to where you want to go. Once you've taken that first step, where do you choose to go next? An action? A deeper thought? Remember to acknowledge yourself!
What Happens Next
As we become more proficient with stretch, risk, and die, and with acknowledging ourselves, the magic begins. Gradually our comfort zone expands to include our stretch zone, our risks become stretches, and our dies become risks. We build a whole new die zone for ourselves. No matter what we want to change, possibilities open up. Congratulations! We can make that change, one thought, one action, at a time.
Question: What is one stretch you are willing to take this week, and how will you acknowledge yourself for any new thought or action?
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