4 Ways to Combat Expectations

What do you expect to find in the snack aisle of the supermarket?  Chips?  Candy?  Nuts?  What if you discovered olive oil and vinegar instead?  How would you feel?  What would you do?

Years ago, while doing my Christmas baking, I realized I was out of crushed pineapple.  We lived in a rural location. A trip to the store meant at least a couple of hours' delay in my baking plans.  Grudgingly, off I went.  Sheesh!  I had expected to find cans of pineapple in my pantry.  

Upon my return, I resumed my kitchen activities.  Quickly opening a can, I plopped the contents into my bowl of other ingredients.  What the heck?!  I had added beans, instead of pineapple, to my pineapple squares filling!  The can had been mislabeled.  My dessert was ruined. I had expected to be making a family favorite today.  On my hasty shopping trip, I had purchased only the one can of pineapple needed. I had expected it to be enough.  

How did I feel?  Victimized by the canning company.  Frustrated at myself for my failure to buy extra.  Disappointed that I was now unable to make the squares. Angry at the cost of the wasted ingredients. Justified in writing a nasty letter to the company. I demanded they reimburse me my costs.  Oh, and the cost of my time as well.  After all, they were to blame, right?

Frustration.  Disappointment.  Anger.  Justification.  Feeling like a victim.  All of these can be signs of unmet expectations. 

In fact, expectations are premeditated resentments. 

How then do we rid ourselves of expectations?  Here are 4 ways:

1.  Eliminate silent contracts.  

According to Rhonda Britten, founder of The Fearless Living Institute, a silent contract is created when you and I make an agreement, but I forgot to tell you about it.  Huh?!  Let's say, for example, that a friend was heading to the grocery store, and I asked her to pick up pineapple for my squares.  When she returned, she handed me a can of pineapple slices.  I was disappointed and upset.  She'd eaten my pineapple squares many times.  Surely, she knew they contained crushed pineapple.  Now, I'd have to go back to the store myself.  In fact, I'd created a silent contract by expecting my friend to know my needs.

Avoid silent contracts by being clear in your communication.  Clarify rather than assume. 

2.  See others as innocent. 

When I wrote that nasty letter, I was seeing the canning company as guilty.  I set up my own rules for how their quality control should work.  I was righteous, felt superior, and expected perfection.  Had I viewed the company as innocent, I'd have had tolerance for human error.  I would have written the letter from a place of surprise, rather than blame. 

Seeing others as innocent allows connection, and leaves room for cooperation.  Seek resolution rather than laying blame. 

3.  Connect through agreement.  

State your needs, the ask for the input of the other person.  Have you ever heard the statement, "the word {assume} makes an {a**} out of {u} and {me}?"  Agreements create connection.  Agreements reduce the possibility of assumptions.  Agreements clarify intentions by clarifying what each party is willing to do.

Seek agreement instead of compliance. 

4. Give yourself a reality check. 

 Let's say I had called the company about the labeling mixup. Perhaps the customer service rep laughed.  How did I interpret her laugh?  Dismissive?  Ridiculing? Perhaps she was simply nervous.  Or imagining how bean squares would taste. Was my interpretation factual?

 Ask yourself, "Is this true, or am I making it up?"

Expectations are normal.  We all have them.  Yet, living life through a filter of expectation can cause unnecessary challenges.  Using the 4 strategies above can reduce confusion.  Reduced confusion sets you on the road to creating the future you desire.

Question:  What is one silent contract you've created in your life?  What changes are you willing to make to remedy the situation?  How will your expectations be reduced as a result?