How many times are we sure we know what another person is going to say, or how they will react? How many times are we sure we know the outcome of someone's statement, or how a certain situation will play out? Most of the time? And how many times does that certainty paralyze us? Fear uses this technique to keep us in our comfort zone.
I'm going to teach you a question that, when you ask it to yourself, will change your thinking. This question will give you the courage to take that risk that you've been avoiding. Permission to move out of your comfort zone. Permission to open up new channels of communication. New frontiers. Permission to see situations, and people in a different light.
Sound good? Let's continue.
Before Fearless Living, I thought I knew people. Better yet, I thought I knew their motives. My next door neighbor didn't speak to me? Obviously, she didn't like me, thought she was better than I was, and was a snob, to boot! No way I wanted anything to do with her.
My boss didn't acknowledge that I had finished a difficult project? Obviously, he didn't appreciate the work that was involved. I needed to put in more overtime, and make myself more visible, or I'd ge passed over at promotion time. My husband didn't say anything about my new haircut?Obviously, I wasn't important in his life, and besides, he was angry with me for spending money frivolously. He didn't love me any more.
Whaaaaat? Might it have been possible that perhaps my neighbor was an introvert? Or that she thought I was the unsociable one? Might my boss have been so wrapped up in deadlines that he forgot to acknowledge me personally? Perhaps he'd made notes in my personnel file that he'd refer back to when promotion tme came around. And hubby? Maybe his love language didn't include verbal compliments. Perhaps he showed his appreciation for me in other ways. And, in the past, when he'd been upset by my spending, he'd been vocal about it. So perhaps he wasn't upset at all.
Once I learned the question below, my perception of people and situations took a dramatic shift. I became able to see people as innocent. I became able to view the universe as acting on my behalf, rather than against me. And I began taking more risks, and then more, and even more, as my confidence grew. While not all of them yielded the outcome I'd hoped for, I experienced enough successes to keep me risking. And enough insights to move me forward. I'd learned about expectations, after all.
So, here's the question you've been waiting for. The question you want to ask yourself before you refrain from approaching that person or situation:
What do I absolutely know to be true?
Let's examine this for a moment, using some real-life examples. (I've gotten my clients' consent to share their experiences, and changed my clients' names to protect their privacy, of course.)
My client, Bob, did not want attend his wife Sally's office Christmas party. He believed that, as a stay-at-home dad, his wife's colleagues looked down on him. In previous years, he felt uncomfortable, and, as a result, kept to the perimeter of the room, staring at his shoes. I challenged Bob's perceptions. Did he absolutely know that he was being looked down upon? Had anyone said to him that he was not good enough, or had he made up a story in his mind? Was it possible that he had, perhaps unintentionally, made himself appear unapproachable? Bob set an intention to smile and make eye contact with at least 3 people at this year's party. At our next session after the party, I asked Bob about the risk he had taken. Scary, yet liberating. He discovered that he shared a hobby with one of the men. And was invited to a playgroup by one of the woman. It didn't bother him nearly as much as it might have that the third person he'd approached was disinterested.
Another client, Tori, told me that she couldn't approach her husband about her desire to join a book club. In her opinion, he'd be upset, angry and unwilling to watch the kids. He'd remind her of their agreement that he would take care of all outside tasks, and home maintenance tasks, and she'd be in charge of tending to children, laundry, and cooking. And, after all, he worked far more hours than she did, and worked overtime to better support them financially. What did Tori absolutely know to be true? That their household agreement had been made before their 4 kids were born. That they'd each kept to it, yet never discussed a change. That she loved reading, and that her need for connection with people who shared her enthusiasm was not being met. I reminded Tori that agreements can be modified with both parties' approval. Was she willing to have a fearless conversation? Tori rated this idea as a die at first, yet after some role-playing, she felt comfortable enough to approach her hubby. Their conversation turned into a series of conversations, some easier than others, where they both redefined their family roles. Her observation? She had made up an undesirable outcome, when what occurred in fact was some conversations that cleared the air.
What do you absolutely know to be true?
Picture a situation in your life where you think you know what the outcome will be. Is there, perhaps, a 10% chance the outcome might be something different? You think not? How about even a 1% chance? Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone and take that risk? What might happen if you do? What might happen if you don't?
Ask yourself "What do I absolutely know to be true?" as many times as possible this week. Then take at least one action step based on your insights.
Question: How did asking yourself this question change your
mindset?
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