How to Beat Overwhelm by Turning Should into Choice

Do you wake up in the morning thinking about what you should do today?  Do you make your decisions based upon what others think you should do?  Should you be doing something other than reading this article right now?

As a homeschooling mom, I've bombarded myself with shoulds in the past.  I should create a schedule.  I should ensure my child is performing at or above grade level.  I should research the most effective math program.  I should ensure my child is socializing with his peers regularly.  I should be sure he's participating in sports. I should have her participate in a volunteer program.  I should take them to the library on a regular schedule.

All of those shoulds were exhausting!  How would I ever keep up with all the (self-imposed) demands? Would my children be scarred for life if I didn't constantly should them, and myself? I beat myself up over undone shoulds.  I disempowered my children by controlling their choices.  Then Fearless Living taught me how to turn should into choice, and, gradually, magically, everything changed.

Today, I choose to work with a schedule in some areas.  I choose not to in others.  I choose to monitor my son's progress.  He and I choose together when, where, and with whom he will socialize.  The whole family plays a role in what they choose to do.  And we're all much happier.

Turning should into choice by shifting your focus can empower you and change the atmosphere within your family.  Let's look at how this can be done.

First, Examine your Needs

Turning should into choice involves an examination of needs.  What needs do you have in the moment?  How can you meet others' needs without setting aside your own?  Once you've identified those needs, what choice would you like to make?

For example, let's say you wake up in the morning thinking that you should go grocery shopping today. Does that feel like a burden?  Now look at what needs you'll be meeting by making that trip to the grocery store.  Will you be meeting your own need to have food readily available that your kids can make on their own?  Will you be meeting your family's need for nourishment?  Will you be meeting your need for a restful afternoon, secure in the knowledge that supper ingredients are on hand? You can now choose to go to the grocery store to meet those needs.  Does your shopping trip now seem empowering?

Second, make your choice align with your needs

As a homeschooler, do you have a need for order?  Or, perhaps, a need for freedom?  Which need is more prevalent when you are deciding to make a schedule?  You may choose to create a more structured schedule to meet your need for order.  Or, you may choose to live in the moment.  Ditch the rigidity of the schedule altogether.  In either scenario, empower yourself with the choice you are making, based on your needs.  Don't burden yourself with the should.  Choose what it is you wish to do.

Finally, your needs equal their needs

Great, so you're making choices based upon your needs.  What about your family, though?  Are you feeling a teensy bit guilty (or maybe a LOT guilty) for thinking of your needs along with theirs?  After all, you're dedicated to your family, correct?  You want the best for them.  You don't want them to feel left out.  Here's a few thoughts to consider: yes, your family's needs are important.  Yes, you want to be sure their needs are being met.  And, your needs are equally as important.  A stressed-out, dissatisfied you does not meet your family's need for connection.  Nor yours.

In our homeschool scenario above, let's turn the socialization should  into a choice.  First, what needs are you meeting when you take your children out to an activity?  Your need for connection with other like-minded parents?  Or your need for solitude, if you choose not to connect? Are you helping your children meet their need for connection with their peers?  Perhaps their need for adventure?  Does that should feel more like a choice now?  Great!

Looking at your decisions through the filter of needs empowers you.  Considering needs frees you to turn should into choice. Giving equal weight to your needs and your family's needs relieves guilt, and empowers you to confidently make each choice.

Question: Would you be willing to look at the way you spend your time in the context of should versus choice for the next seven days?  What have you discovered? What could be different for you if you shifted from should to choice, based upon the filter of needs?