How to Deal with Nay-Sayers, aka Fear Junkies

In her book, Fearless Living, bestselling author Rhonda Britten talks about Fear Junkies.  She defines them as, "certain people (who) are more likely to hold you back rather than cheer you on." Rhonda further separates these people into 5 types, most of whom are acting in innocence based on their own fears.  Once you learn to identify the fear junkies in your life, you can learn strategies to stop their nay-saying from triggering your fears.  Read on. 

My youngest son learned to read at 16 months of age.  Shortly thereafter, he was identified as profoundly gifted, and later featured in Johns Hopkins' Center for Talented Youth High Honors Award publication.  He is now wrapping up his third year of university, at 12 years of age.  

When making educational decisions for my son, I was approached by many naysayers.  My decision to homeschool brought out many fear junkies in my life.  Dream drainers, who reinforced my self-doubts about being able to keep up with him academically.  Rearview mirrors, who reminded me of my less-than-stellar teenage years, after I graduated from high school at age 15.  Rivals in disguise, who attempted to sabotage my decision through backhanded compliments and snide remarks.  Complaining buddies, who were only too happy to point out the flaws in our educational system.  In some cases, I became a fear junkie myself, in the form of a puppeteer, wanting my son to have the educational experience I wished I had had.

I have since learned that fear junkies usually are well-meaning.  (The exception being rivals in disguise.) They are seeking connection through their comments.  They may even be your biggest supporters, aka Fearbusters, in some areas, despite acting as fear junkies in others. Deep down, they may very well have your best interests at heart! They simply haven't learned how to express themselves from a place of freedom.  

Now that I can recognize fear junkies for who they are, and know how to deal with them, I have greatly lessened the amount of time I spend second-guessing myself. I allow freedom to direct and support my decisions.  Here's what I've learned about each type, thanks to Rhonda:

Dream Drainers

...are those people in your life who seem to be able to read your mind when it comes to your own fears.  In dream drainer mode, they echo your fear-based thoughts.  They say what you may have been thinking.

The strategy when dealing with dream drainers is to focus on solutions.  When they voice your fears, counter their words by saying what might be possible in the situation.  When they say, "but what if that doesn't work?" you may counter with, "And what if it does?" Be selective with what you share with dream drainers.

Rearview mirrors

....thrive on reminding you of your past.  They don't want you to change, fearing that change may sever their connection to you.  Your growth might leave them behind, bringing up their fear (perhaps unbeknownst to them) that they will no longer be worthy of your time and attention.

When dealing with rear view mirrors, start by acknowledging the past, then move on to form a new connection to the present.  You may say something along the lines of, "yes, I remember that, and now..."  Be aware of the dream drainer's need to maintain a connection with you, and look to forming new connections based in the present. 

Complaining Buddies

....spend their time focusing on the problem, thus avoiding taking responsibility for a solution. They may enjoy being caught up in victim mode, and seek connection through shared negative experiences. 

Redirection is the strategy to use when dealing with complaining buddies.  Let them know you've heard them, and ask how you can support them.  Don't initiate complaining in their presence.  You may say, "I hear you.  How can I help?  Would you like me to brainstorm with you, to give advice, to simply listen, or something else?"

Puppeteers

....have unfulfilled dreams that they see you as having the ability to fulfill with their direction.  Perhaps they missed an opportunity in their life, and don't want you to make the same error.  In their mind, they may be saving you from future mistakes.

The strategy for dealing with puppeteers involves maintaining your personal power while acknowledging their concerns.  Thank them for caring, and simultaneously stand your ground.  Example: "Thank you for caring!  And I'm going to..."

Rivals in Disguise

....are the people who genuinely wish you harm, and are usually the only fear junkies who are not acting in innocence.  They truly desire to sabotage you, and will do so through direct put-downs and backhanded compliments. They are so filled with their own fear that they wish harm to others.

Rivals in Disguise are best avoided whenever possible. Keep yourself at a distance. Perhaps some day they will learn to be fearless.  In the meantime, it's best to avoid interaction.

In summary, it's important to remember that everyone has the capacity to be both a fear junkie in some situations and a Fearbuster in others.  Begin to notice in what areas each role presents itself, and focus on strengthening Fearbuster roles.  When fear junkie areas present themselves, use the strategies above.  And notice where you are acting as a fear junkie.  When you catch yourself in fear junkie mode, apply the same strategies.  Set an intention for transformation.  And embrace freedom.

Question: what is one thing you do in the next week to transform a fear junkie relationship?