Excuses are convenient. Traffic was heavy, so we were late for a meeting. We got a phone call from someone who talked endlessly, so we missed meeting our friend for lunch. The weather was bad, so we didn't make it to our dental appointment. We have excuses for bigger things, too: our father was abusive to our mother, so we don't know how to have a healthy marriage. Our mother was an alcoholic, so we don't know how to parent. We weren't taught how to do X or Y as a child, so we can't possibly know how to do Z as an adult.
I was an only child to parents who both worked full time. I was raised by a succession of babysitters until I was deemed old enough to stay home by myself, at around age 12 or so. In the evenings, dad often returned to work, so I didn't see many examples of marital interaction. Mom didn't cook, and hired a cleaning lady. "Nice families of our stature" didn't discuss finances. Or health. I was encouraged, instead, to concentrate on pursuing an education and developing a career.
At age 18, I became engaged and moved in with my fiancé, having little idea of my future husband's expectations. Plan meals, shop for groceries, and cook every day? Keep the house clean? Create a budget, and stick to it? Care for his two young children when they had visitation with him? Be proactive about physical and mental health issues? Not only had I no idea where to start, I was full of justification for not doing so. TV dinners were good enough. Cleaning was for hired help. My hard-working fiancé could oversee the finances. Parenting would come naturally, and didn't require effort. We were young and healthy.
For a few short months, our relationship appeared to be working well. We were young, in love, and enjoying each other's company. He overlooked my lack of interest in domestic pursuits. I appreciated his work ethic and his devotion to me. I pursued a further education by correspondence courses, looking forward to the day when I would be contributing financially. What I failed to understand was the stress that long hours at a dangerous mining site could have on a person. Or the stress of finalizing a divorce that involved two toddlers. Mental health was a foreign concept to me.
In December of 1978, at the age of 23, my fiancé comitted suicide. At 18, I was left homeless, relationship-less, and without any means of financial or emotional support. Life insurance had not entered either of our minds. His family blamed me for his demise, and insisted I not attend his funeral. My parents allowed me to return home, yet remained as unavailable as always.
For the next few decades, my fiancé's suicide became my biggest excuse. My permission not to take risks. My justification for staying stuck. My rationale for decisions that were not in my best interest. When, thanks to Rhonda Britten and Fearless Living, I finally learned how excuses were holding me back, my life changed. I had permission to step outside of my comfort zone, and I began to experience freedom.
Would you like to stop being seduced by excuses, and experience freedom for yourself? Here are six steps to move you forward:
1. Identify your biggest excuse
What is the one biggest excuse that has been holding you back? Does it stem from your childhood? Is it one event that has given you permission to stay stuck? Or is it a combination of events that have morphed together to become your biggest excuse?
2. Imagine the possibilities
What would your life look like if that excuse were no longer valid? If that event, or experience, had never happened? What if you were never allowed to use that excuse again?
3. Sharpen your awareness
Keep an excuses log. How frequently are excuses a part of your day? Are excuses the norm for you? What are your most common excuses? How about your biggest excuse....how often does that show up?
4. Analyze
How do your excuses keep you in your comfort zone? How does your core fear convince you that your excuses are justified?
5. Be willing to act
What can you do to get out of excuse mode? How can your essential nature support you in taking risks? What is an intention you might set to support yourself when you are in excuse mode?
6. Be willing to practice
Consider a risk you'd like to take. How might excuses hold you back? How might setting an intention you move forward? What is your willingness to act on that intention? When will you take that action?
Once I loosened my attachment to my biggest excuse, I became willing to learn many things. Domestic skills. Financial skills. Parenting skills. And, finally, in my 40's, cooking skills. Once I learned how to stop excuses from seducing me, I became willing to tackle stretches, risks, and dies. Once I knew my essential nature, I used it to support me in moving forward in freedom. Freedom feels so much better than excuses ever did.
Question: What is an intention you are willing to set to release you from the seduction of your biggest excuse?
No comments:
Post a Comment