Intentions: The Antidote to Expectations

Shoudda, coudda, woudda.  When is the last time something didn't turn out the way you thought it should?  Who did you blame?  Did you tell yourself someone *should have* done something differently? Or did you blame yourself for something you *could have* done differently?  Did you gripe about what *would have* happened under different circumstances?  These are all signs of being in a state of expectation.  Guess what?  Expectations are normal!  Yet, living in expectation can leave us feeling frustrated, irritated, and unfulfilled.  Luckily, there's an antidote.  Read on.

Every year, I plan a trip to visit my mother.  I used to have a lot of expectations around that trip: I expected the weather to be consistent with the average for that time of year. I expected the flight to be on time. I expected my car to be delivered upon arrival, with a full tank of gas. I expected myself to be a perfect houseguest.  I expected my mother to devote all her time to me while I was there.

Did I end up disappointed?  You bet! The weather would turn out to be unseasonably cold.  Or warm.  My flight would be delayed.  My gas tank would be empty. My mother would go off to bingo on the day I'd planned to help her with her taxes.  And, in the heat of it all,  I'd forget to say thank you for being provided with a place to stay. Holy frustration. And then I learned from Rhonda Britten, founder of the Fearless Living Institute, about the disempowering effect of expectations.  And the antidote.

Defining Expectations

What are expectations, anyway? Expectations are what you believe *should* happen as a result of what you think, do, say or plan.  They are stories you make up, often based on past experiences.  Expectations give us the power to feel superior.  And the permission to remain a victim. Expectations use words such as, 'should', 'must', 'need to' or 'have to.'  Expectations of ourselves lead to thoughts such as, "that's too difficult,' 'that's impossible,' or 'I can't.'

"Expectations are Premeditated Resentments" says Rhonda Britten

When you have expectations, you are making an assumption. That Mother Nature will cooperate with your desire for sunshine.  That the air traffic controllers will ensure your flight is on time at the expense of all others.  That Mom will make taxes a higher priority than Bingo.  You are assuming that not only can other people (and Mother Nature!) read your mind, but that they know what you need. And are willing to provide it. When expectations don't pan out, you give yourself permission to be resentful.  To lay blame.

Putting the Shoe on the Other Foot

When someone tells you that you *should* do something, how do you feel?  Motivated or unmotivated?  Empowered or disempowered?  How about when you tell yourself you *have to* do something?  Does it feel like a choice, or a burden?  And how about if someone else decided you *should* do something, yet forgot to tell you about it?  And then was disappointed when you failed to follow through?  And blamed you for not knowing about it in the first place?   A one-sided agreement is a silent contract.  It sets the other person up for failure, and sets you up for disappointment. Resentment.  Blame. 

The Antidote

How would you feel if, instead of silent contracts, you spoke up and sought mutual agreements?  Instead of shoulds, woulds, and coulds, you made choices? Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment and blame, you set yourself up for recognition and gratitude?  Enter the antidote to expectations: intentions.  Intentions empower you, while releasing your attachment to the outcome. They give you permission to celebrate yourself and to be grateful to others.  Here's how to create an intention that will support you:

Creating an Intention

Begin by asking yourself, "what am I committed to?"  Next, choose what you are willing to do.  Finally, create a statement for yourself that begins, "I am willing to practice...."  Practicing means there's no need to be perfect.

Celebrating

Each time you practice your intention, acknowledge yourself!  Each time someone else, (or Mother Nature!) is in line with your intention, be grateful!  Now, watch the shift.  If you focus on your intention and release your attachment to the outcome, what is possible for you?

Last month, I visited my mother.   My intention for my trip was, "I am willing to practice connecting with my family while being true to my commitments and kind to myself."  I released my attachment to the weather, to the flight schedule, and to the gas gauge in my car.  I knew I couldn't control that.  I made an agreement with my mother about a mutually convenient time for us to work on her taxes together.  I acknowledged myself for my newfound flexibility.  I was grateful for having a car to drive, and a place to stay. I felt empowered.  And the universe supported me with unseasonably warm weather, and a flight that arrived early.  All in all, it was my best trip yet!

Question:  Think of a one-sided agreement you have with someone.  What is an intention you are willing to set that will empower you in that situation?